There Must Be An Angel

STATION ANNOUNCEMENT

BUSINESS FOR SALE: Farrah's Faucets - would suit up and coming plumber's apprentice. All reasonable offers considered.

2MB Community Radio - tap-a tap-a tap-a

Blum-in Heck!

Amy Sedaris, host of 2MB Community Radio's regular gossip segment So Said Sedaris (every hour, on the hour after the composting recap), has apologised to Mr Jeff Goldblum, a local helium balloon designer, for reporting that he had fallen off a cliff while holidaying in New Zealand last week.

"It was completely untrue," said Ms Sedaris. "A grave mistake on my part. I should have checked my sources before just blurting out the rumour on air. I've spoken to Mr Goldblum and he's confirmed that he wasn't even in New Zealand at the time and, if he had been, he'd certainly have been nowhere near a cliff. And, even if he was, he has an uncannily stable centre of gravity for such a tall man and would never fall. And, even if he did, the helium balloons..."

Ms Sedaris also revealed that she'd apologised to station management and vowed never to allow a repeat of such an incident to take place.

"Although," she added shortly thereafter. "Has anybody seen Dakota recently?"

2MB Community Radio - fly, Goldblum, fly!

Brass Monkeys

On tonight's edition of Brooke's Books, your regular host and town deputy libarian Brooke Burke will discuss John Le Carre's The Spy Who Came In From The Cold.

Joining her will be local physician, Dr Ioan Gruffudd, who is on record as 'strongly agreeing' with the message of avoiding excessively cold weather, especially during flu season. Also on the show will be Faith Ford, from the hit show Model F Ford (Tuesday and Fridays, 10am to noon right here on 2MB Community Radio), who will be discussing scarfwear for those who must venture outside in the icier months.

2MB Community Radio - accursed axial tilt!!

Case Dismissed

NEWSFLASH!

Heather Mills' attempts to terminate her contract with 2MB Community Radio's smash hit radio show Hugh Goes There? (featuring the impersonation talents of local real estate appraiser Hugh Jackman) has failed.

Ms Mills, Chief Osteopath at 'Twist and Shout Osteopathy', argued that when she took over the business and secured the rights to offer a prize for Mr Jackman's show, she had no idea the doubling prize pool would lead so quickly to trouble. "Frankly, exponentiation does my head in," she said, before going on to claim that her current contribution to the prize pool of 64 free spinal manipulation sessions was 'already ridiculous' and 'bound to get worse before it got better'.

Judge Downey dismissed her claims, however, pointing out that the contract was 'disappointingly straightforward' and that, clearly, Ms Mills 'did not have a leg to stand on'.

At which point Ms Mills ex-husband and semi-retired local architect Paul McCartney had to be ejected from the courtroom for 'out of control sniggering'.

2MB Community Radio - would probably snigger a little too

I'm Game

On tonight's special episode of Bryan Brown's Small Business Hour, your regular host Bryan Brown speaks to 2MB station manager (and permanent guest-in-residence of station owner and massage oil tycoon Ellen Degeneres) Portia De Rossi.

In this four hour long discussion, Ms De Rossi explains her stunning new direction for the station:

"Game shows!! Sure, Where Oh Where Is My Underwear? with Heather Graham didn't excite listeners, but we have high hopes for Ex? Why? in which freelance security guard John Stamos will invite listeners to guess why local couples have decided to go their separate ways. Also, we're extremely excited by Naomi's What? in which listeners will be invited to guess which of her possessions local driving instructor Naomi Watt is holding. If you love Hugh Goes There?, and let's face it, everybody does, you'll love Naomi's What?"

When quizzed on how she plans to counteract the potential problem of the ever-doubling prize pool on Hugh Goes There? (now $160 in cash and 8 free sessions at Twist And Shout Osteopathy), Ms De Rossi explained that as long as ratings and advertising continue to double in line, there should be no problem.

2MB Community Radio - I guess 'When' will be next.

Negligible Interest

Local fruiter Heather Graham's quest for a return to breakfast radio met another setback this week with her proposed new show Where Oh Where Is My Underwear? slammed in local street polls. Examples of feedback included:

"Absolutely disgusting. Isn't it about time Miss Graham started wearing all her clothes every time she went out in public? Yes, even at (local kebab shop) Dennehy's!" - local Rotary Club secretary Shannon Doherty.

"I don't, y'know, mind the idea of Heather wearing no underpants. That's kinda hot. But isn't this radio?" - Brad Garret, Deputy Choreographer, Town Enthusiastic Dancing Society.

"They're probably in her intimates chiffonier. Or her laundry hamper." - Lorne Michaels, owner of The Local Lorne-dro-mat.

Miss Graham, disappointed by the criticism of the proposed show, has vowed to not give up and has reportedly put her 'thinking cap' back on. Her 'thinking panties' remain frustratingly absent.

2MB Community Radio - misses Heath too

No Cause For Concern

On last night's episode of One Hundred Minutes With Rick Moranis, 2MB Community Radio station owner and town massage oil tycoon Ellen Degeneres revealed she was not worried about the ever-growing prize pool for real estate appraiser Hugh Jackman's ratings-smashing game show Hugh Goes There.

"It is true that the prize pool will reach $320 in cash and 16 free sessions at Twist And Shout Osteopathy this Friday should nobody guess the local identity who Hugh is impersonating," conceded Ms Degeneres. "But that's not enough to concern me. Despite the doubling effect [High School Head of Mathematics] Mr Clooney keeps banging on about, I'm not worried. Sooner or later somebody will unravel Hugh's impression."

Ms Degeneres also revealed that Mr Jackman has vowed to maintain 100% secrecy throughout the span of the game show. "'Mum's the word', apparently," she revealed.

In unrelated news, local morticians Florence Henderson, Marion Ross and Meredith Baxter Birney have all been ruled out as possible solutions.

2MB Community Radio - if you can't trust the town billionaire who can you trust?