Where There's Smoke...

STATION ANNOUNCEMENT

After a week of intermittent uptime for the 2MB Community Radio web site following technical upgrades, we are pleased to report that the site is now back in action, ready to bring you all the latest behind the scenes news and information from 973 on your local AM dial.

The station would also like to announce that an investigation is under way into how the dangerously untrained and misinformed David Arquette became so heavily involved in the installation of the new server firewall. We also send a hearty 'get well soon' to Primary School Vice Captain Dakota Fanning over in the town hospital burns ward and hope that the incident won't dissuade her from returning for the quarter-finals of Are You Smaller Than A Fifth Grader? in three weeks time.

2MB Community Radio - Fanning the flames...

Downey's Syndrome

Amy Sedaris's latest episode of So Said Sedaris (2MB Community Radio's five minute gossip segment, every hour on the hour, after the news and tick report) reports that Judge Downey's first act upon taking the bench and replacing the still-missing Judge Gaiman will be to pardon all defendants currently awaiting trial.

"I want to start with a clean slate," said Judge Downey.

Good news for local drywall worker Kirstie Alley and her stack of speeding tickets. Bad news for Mayor Affleck's civil suit against the 'depraved torture' allegedly inflicted upon him during his alleged kidnapping late last year by Professor Zellweger.

2MB Community Radio - judge not, lest ye be judged

Aboard The Abuse Caboose

2MB Community Radio would like to apologise in advance for tonight's episode of I'm Sorry, I Don't Know How To Improvise and, in particular, the game of I Think... You Stink between Dakota Fanning and Abigail Breslin which, according to host and moderator Sean Penn got out of hand 'far quicker' than he expected.

"I'd particularly like to apologise for the vulgar and richly visual imagery that the girls used in this fan-favourite insult game," said Mr Penn. "Some of the crudity coming out of their mouths was enough to make even Cillian blush."

Mr Penn went on to explain that, despite the fact the language was as foul as any he'd ever heard on the show (excluding Madame Kidman's sole appearance), none of the cursing would be censored, because the station had 'ratings to consider'.

2MB Community Radio - crude, rude and downright lewd

Too Much Hate Will Kill You

On tonight's very special one-off episode of Dem Hatin' Haydens Hate Haydn, your regular hosts Hayden Christensen and Hayden Panettiere will be joined by local rickshaw attendant and string quartet expert Max Von Sydow to discuss their shared loathing of the entire opus of Joseph Haydn.

Tune in for this special 70 minute-long look at the works of the Austrian master composer and where he went so disgracefully wrong, with an extra ten minute diversion into a profanity-laden diatribe against his 'loathsome overindulgence' of monothematic exposition, uncut for your pleasure and proudly presented by Paul Newman's Holden Dealership.

2MB Community Radio - classical, schmassical

Get Your Hest On!

Mayor Affleck has announced extra seating for tomorrow's funeral of local florist Charlton Heston , who died earlier in the week. A spokesman for the mayor said he hoped the release of new tickets would help 'undercut the scalpers'.

The mayor's spokesman also stressed again to Brad Garrett and the many members of his Dance Enthusiasts Society that the original announcement for the funeral contained several typographical errors. Not only was there no requirement for any of the mourners to 'Charleston', any knee-based dancing was positively discouraged.

In related news, Mr Heston's demise means that next month's Roses For Rifles swap has been cancelled.

2MB Radio - Taking the fun out of funerals

Pride In Prejudice

Just a reminder to tune in next Tuesday for a very special episode of Brooke's Books, in which Miss Shannon Doherty, secretary of the local Rotary Club and last year's Carrot Cake of the Year silver medallist, discusses how the works of Jane Austen gave her renewed pride in her many and varied prejudices.

Despite Ms Burke's many attempts of persuasion and appeals to Miss Doherty's sense of sensibility, no minority group is spared in this startling 90-minute rant. So tune your AM dial to 972 at the special time of 8:30pm to hear Miss Doherty's frank and unsolicited opinions on your colour, creed, race, religion, sexual preference and handedness.

2MB Community Radio - offense is the best defence

Living On Borrowed Time

STATION ANNOUNCEMENT

As part of a compromise between the pro-daylight saving and anti-daylight saving town factions, all 2MB Community Radio programming will now commence half an hour later than originally advertised (except for Bindi Irwin's appearance on Brooke's Books which has, once again, been postponed).

Jake Gylenhaal, resident wit and punster on the award-winning I'm Sorry, I Don't Know How To Improvise, apologises for any 'inchronovenience'.

through time, 2MB Radio - travelling