2MB Community Radio

The Answer Was 'Peter Allen'

2009-10-01T10:30:00.003+10:00

NEWSFLASH!

David Arquette's correct guess of Hugh Jackman's impersonated identity on Hugh Goes There has cost the station more than $20 million dollars in prize money.

As a consequence, station owner and local massage oil tycoon Ellen Degeneres has announced 100% cutbacks in all station expenses, including this blog.

2MB Community Radio - starting now!

The Ten Million Dollar Man

2009-09-26T09:51:00.003+10:00

The identity of Hugh Jackman's impersonation on the number one rating quiz show Hugh Goes There remains a mystery, with incorrect guesses this week driving the ever-doubling prize pool above the $10,000,000 mark (plus 524,288 free spinal adjustments - approximately thirty years of non-stop chiropracterisation).

Station owner and massage oil tycoon Ellen Degeneres has met with co-Mayors Affleck and Leoni in a 'last ditch' attempt to avoid financial meltdown.

"The council will do everything it can to support Ms Degeneres in this looming local financial crisis," said co-Mayor Leoni, while a bleary-eyed co-Mayor Affleck looked on. "If Ms Degeneres goes down, we all go down."

When asked for comment, 2MB Community Radio station manager and permanent guest-in-residence of Ms Degeneres, Portia De Rossi simply stated that she 'couldn't imagine' Ms Degeneres going down.

"Not in a million freakin' years."

2MB Community Radio - doublin' your entendre!

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

2009-09-20T11:38:00.004+10:00

Tonight, on Tori's Spelling, 'Silent Letters: Is It Time For Their Voice To Be Heard?'

Regular host (and award-winning landscape gardener) Tori Spelling will conduct a phone poll on the standing of silent letters and whether or not they should be allowed to be spoken freely.

Callers are asked to 'Vote 'No' to condem-N silent letters to further suppression

or vote 'Yes' if you believe they've paid their de-B-t'.

2MB Community Radio - take your poll position

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me The News

2009-09-15T09:23:00.006+10:00

Scandal at this year's Medical Practitioner of the Year Awards, as Dr Ioan Gruffudd's acceptance speech for 'Best Removal of a Wart, Verucca, Papula Or Other Prominent Skin Blemish In A Non-Anaesthetised Surgical Procedure' was interrupted by co-Mayor Ben Affleck.

"Not dissing you, Dr Gruff," said the co-Mayor. "But Dr Cross totally zapped a mole off my cheek in one of the greatest surgical procedures of all time." He then pointed to his right cheek and defied anybody to spot even 'the faintest remnants' of a scar.

Dr Cross later explained in her own acceptance speech ('Tidiest Operating Theatre') that the co-Mayor's mole had been on his left cheek and 'not his facial one either', which prompted a further unwelcome interruption by co-Mayor Affleck which, while confronting and eye-opening, did confirm the presence of a small scar.

The co-Mayor then celebrated by stage-diving into the nearest tables, spilling trout soup all over Dakota Fanning.

2MB Community Radio - plans to serve light beer next year.

Hear This, Hear This!

2009-09-10T11:00:00.002+10:00

Local semi-retired architect Paul McCartney has reported that his new digitally-remastered hearing aid is 'frankly, a bit of a disappointment'.

"Sure," he said. "Everything sounds a lot clearer. Words are crisper. Sharper. More nuanced. But, let's face it, most people are still talking a lot of crap."

In related news, Madame Kidman's stint on breakfast radio has been extended yet again after regular host Jake Gylenhaal became covered in painful boils and welts. Still denying his show Fast! Break! is cursed, Mr Gylenhaal promises to return as soon as he can guarantee he won't ooze pus all over the broadcast console.

2MB Community Radio - take it easy, oozey

Time To Split

2009-09-05T09:15:00.004+10:00

On this afternoon's edition of Kelsey's Grammar: Infinitives - To Boldly Split, Or Not?

With a side-discussion on the number of infinitives and why it is so totally not infinite.

Special guest: The surprise new host of upcoming spin-off show Tori's Spelling

2MB Community Radio - English, motherfreaker, do you speak it?

Panic Station

2009-08-27T10:59:00.003+10:00

Station manager and permanent guest-in-residence of station owner and massage oil tycoon Ellen Degeneres, Portia De Rossi has urged on-air talent 'not to panic' over Hugh Jackman's recent rogue behaviour.

"Yes," she said. "Hugh has refused to reveal the identity of his impersonation (on his smash hit show Hugh Goes There?) to the board. And, yes, the prize pool for the first caller to guess the identity is now $655,360 (plus 32,768 free spinal adjustments) and doubling every week. Obviously, this is putting an enormous strain on the financial viability of the station. However, we remain confident that somebody will guess Hugh's identity soon and the business of running this radio station will return to normal. Until then, however, we are announcing an immediate wage cutback of 150%."

Ms De Rossi then passed the bucket around, yielding a 'disappointing' $4.50 and a half-packet of M&M™s.

2MB Community Radio - Don't Panic (see previous post)

While My Dirk Gently Weeps

2009-08-22T15:37:00.004+10:00

Last night on Brooke's Books, your regular host and local Deputy Librarian Brooke Burke discussed the Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy Trilogy In Five Parts by Douglas Adams. She was joined by Constable Michael Rourke, who, in between remarking how he could 'never get the hang of Thursdays' and reassuring everybody he knew where his towel was, also stressed to local teens that, while it may be fine elsewhere in the universe, 'thumbing a ride' in this town would earn you a one-way trip to 'the crowbar hotel'.

"And you don't need a brain the size of a planet to know that," he concluded, before spoiling it all with a final, wayward 'live long and prosper'.

2MB Community Radio - finds this all very improbable

Who(m) Cares?

2009-08-16T12:09:00.003+10:00

Tonight on Kelsey's Grammar, 'If We Have Both Who and Whom, Why In Blazes Can't We Have Whym?'

Tune in from 9:30 pm for spirited and grammatically sound debate.

2MB Community Radio - mmmmmmm

Copping A Caine-ing

2009-08-11T09:52:00.003+10:00

Local osteopath Heather Mills of 'Twist and Shout Osteopathy' has urged townfolk to 'be much more methodical' in their ongoing attempts to unravel the local personality who Hugh Jackman is impersonating on his massively successful game show Hugh Goes There.

"There's a lot at stake," said Ms Mills. "If his identity isn't unravelled this week, I'm up to 4096 free spinal adjustments [as her part of the prize pool]. That's one a day for more than the next ten years! And I swear, if I hear one more caller guess Michael Caine [of Caine Family Butchers], I'll go mental. He sounds nothing like Michael. Nothing at all. Get with the program, people!"

In related news, semi-retired local architect Paul McCartney has vowed to 'just keep on guessing Michael Caine until Hugh admits that's who he's doing. Or until Heather's forced to perform free spinal adjustments every minute of every day for the rest of her life. Whichever comes first'.

2MB Community Radio - would recognise that Cockney accent anywhere

Catfight!

2009-08-06T09:34:00.005+10:00

NEWSFLASH!

Mediators have been called in to resolve the latest flare-up between Dakota Fanning and Abigail Breslin, which erupted during the call-in section of One Hundred Minutes With Rick Moranis last night during what was supposed to be a discussion over the new synagogue seating commissioned by Rabbi Gibson.

Miss Fanning claimed that Miss Breslin had deliberately sullied her good name with malicious comments during the first episode of her new show A Currency Affair. Miss Breslin denies the claims, pointing out that the only thing she'd ridiculed during her show was a pataca-florin currency swap.

"Exactly," said an enraged Miss Fanning. "Read between the lines. 'Pataca Florin'. 'Dakota Fanning'. It's virtually the same thing."

While both station management and Constable Rourke agree that Miss Fanning may well have 'gone off the deep end' with this complaint, they also can't disguise its awesome ratings potential. The girls will therefore debate the matter on a special episode of Tenacious D-Bate tonight from 8pm. Don't miss it!

2MB Community Radio - still wondering how one could describe the 'pataca-florin' currency exchange as a 'stuck up little bitch who has no friends and who is failing math.'

Ancient Greece's Got Talents

2009-08-01T10:19:00.004+10:00

With the fallout from Hugh Jackman's identity-guessing quiz show Hugh Goes There reaching worrisome levels (now $40,960 and 2048 free spinal manipulation sessions at Twist and Shout Osteopathy for the first person to guess who Hugh is impersonating), 2MB Community Radio has rushed into production a thrilling new quiz show A Currency Affair.

The new show, hosted by local mathematical whiz-kid Abigail Breslin, challenges listeners to come up with optimal currency swaps on the international markets. Winners get an authentic 2MB Community Radio cap and the self-satisfaction of knowing that the station stays on the air for another few hours.

On tonight's opening show - a Macanese pataca-Aruban florin swap!

2MB Community Radio - keepin' it (Cambodian) riel!

Health Hath No Fury

2009-07-27T12:04:00.004+10:00

On tonight's episode of Tenacious D-Bate, your regular host and local fishmonger Jack Black will host a three-pronged debate on town health. On one prong will be local physicians Dr Ioan Gruffudd and Dr Marcia Cross, who will be arguing that Co-Mayor Leoni's 'Apple A Day' policy is no substitute for regular, semi-reasonably priced visits to one's trained medical specialist.

Countering this will be Heather Graham, sole proprietor of the 'Fruit and Vege(on your)table' store who thinks this initiative is a boon to the community and a valuable boost to the bottom line, especially following the failure of her most recent attempts to relaunch her radio career (Heather Meets Graham and Where Oh Where Is My Underwear?). She'll be joined by Madame Kidman who argues that Mother Earth is the source of all wellness. But not 'the well of all sauciness'.

The final prong in this triple debate will be local pharmaceutical representative Tom Cruise, who argues that a perfectly mixed cocktail of vitamin supplements and bio-enhancement exo-pills will instantly render all one's health problems obsolete. He will be joined by Bryan Brown (of Bryan Brown's Small Business Hour, here on 2MB Community Radio, Saturdays at 2pm) for an impromptu, yet highly choregraphed, demonstration of optimal cocktail-mixing techniques.

2MB Community Radio - for goodness sake

Vowel Movements

2009-07-21T13:59:00.005+10:00

Jake Gylenhaal, resident wit on I'm Sorry, I Don't Know How To Improvise, and the host of the all-new breakfast show Fast! Break! has laughed off suggestions that town psychic Madame Kidman's infamous curse on her timeslot replacement has taken hold.

"Hnftl," said Mr Gylenhaal. "Thz tng wltz cd hv cb frb nywrrrr."

(Translation: Honestly, these tongue welts could have come from anywhere)

Despite Mr Gylenhaal's upbeat attitude and all-round pluck, however, station management has put Fast! Break! on hiatus, 'just until the swelling goes down'. Also, they have asked local physician Dr Ioan Gruffud to confirm, 'for certain' that the blemishes on Mr Gylenhaal's skin are not a precursor to him turning into a frog.

Madame Kidman's infamous predictive traffic tarot reports will return tomorrow, from 6 am.

2MB Community Radio - coises!

Hugh Are You?

2009-07-16T10:39:00.002+10:00

The cash prize pool for the town's favourite game show Hugh Goes There has now reached an amazing $10,240 (plus 512 free spinal manipulation sessions at Twist and Shout Osteopathy).

Local real estate appraiser and man of one hundred and forty-four voices Hugh Jackman continues to baffle the entire town with his mystery impersonation of a community personality. Can you guess who Hugh is doing? Or will the prize pool double once more?

In related news, Naomi's What? has been cancelled, following revelations that her 'mystery object' had to be put down after an erroneous worming tablet mishap. David Arquette apologises to all fans of the program, but argues that he couldn't 'possibly have known that the tentacles would react in that way'.

2MB Community Radio - gross

There Must Be An Angel

2009-07-04T17:00:00.004+10:00

STATION ANNOUNCEMENT

BUSINESS FOR SALE: Farrah's Faucets - would suit up and coming plumber's apprentice. All reasonable offers considered.

2MB Community Radio - tap-a tap-a tap-a

Blum-in Heck!

2009-06-29T13:39:00.004+10:00

Amy Sedaris, host of 2MB Community Radio's regular gossip segment So Said Sedaris (every hour, on the hour after the composting recap), has apologised to Mr Jeff Goldblum, a local helium balloon designer, for reporting that he had fallen off a cliff while holidaying in New Zealand last week.

"It was completely untrue," said Ms Sedaris. "A grave mistake on my part. I should have checked my sources before just blurting out the rumour on air. I've spoken to Mr Goldblum and he's confirmed that he wasn't even in New Zealand at the time and, if he had been, he'd certainly have been nowhere near a cliff. And, even if he was, he has an uncannily stable centre of gravity for such a tall man and would never fall. And, even if he did, the helium balloons..."

Ms Sedaris also revealed that she'd apologised to station management and vowed never to allow a repeat of such an incident to take place.

"Although," she added shortly thereafter. "Has anybody seen Dakota recently?"

2MB Community Radio - fly, Goldblum, fly!

Brass Monkeys

2009-06-25T12:05:00.003+10:00

On tonight's edition of Brooke's Books, your regular host and town deputy libarian Brooke Burke will discuss John Le Carre's The Spy Who Came In From The Cold.

Joining her will be local physician, Dr Ioan Gruffudd, who is on record as 'strongly agreeing' with the message of avoiding excessively cold weather, especially during flu season. Also on the show will be Faith Ford, from the hit show Model F Ford (Tuesday and Fridays, 10am to noon right here on 2MB Community Radio), who will be discussing scarfwear for those who must venture outside in the icier months.

2MB Community Radio - accursed axial tilt!!

Case Dismissed

2009-06-21T08:17:00.004+10:00

NEWSFLASH!

Heather Mills' attempts to terminate her contract with 2MB Community Radio's smash hit radio show Hugh Goes There? (featuring the impersonation talents of local real estate appraiser Hugh Jackman) has failed.

Ms Mills, Chief Osteopath at 'Twist and Shout Osteopathy', argued that when she took over the business and secured the rights to offer a prize for Mr Jackman's show, she had no idea the doubling prize pool would lead so quickly to trouble. "Frankly, exponentiation does my head in," she said, before going on to claim that her current contribution to the prize pool of 64 free spinal manipulation sessions was 'already ridiculous' and 'bound to get worse before it got better'.

Judge Downey dismissed her claims, however, pointing out that the contract was 'disappointingly straightforward' and that, clearly, Ms Mills 'did not have a leg to stand on'.

At which point Ms Mills ex-husband and semi-retired local architect Paul McCartney had to be ejected from the courtroom for 'out of control sniggering'.

2MB Community Radio - would probably snigger a little too

I'm Game

2009-06-12T10:02:00.004+10:00

On tonight's special episode of Bryan Brown's Small Business Hour, your regular host Bryan Brown speaks to 2MB station manager (and permanent guest-in-residence of station owner and massage oil tycoon Ellen Degeneres) Portia De Rossi.

In this four hour long discussion, Ms De Rossi explains her stunning new direction for the station:

"Game shows!! Sure, Where Oh Where Is My Underwear? with Heather Graham didn't excite listeners, but we have high hopes for Ex? Why? in which freelance security guard John Stamos will invite listeners to guess why local couples have decided to go their separate ways. Also, we're extremely excited by Naomi's What? in which listeners will be invited to guess which of her possessions local driving instructor Naomi Watt is holding. If you love Hugh Goes There?, and let's face it, everybody does, you'll love Naomi's What?"

When quizzed on how she plans to counteract the potential problem of the ever-doubling prize pool on Hugh Goes There? (now $160 in cash and 8 free sessions at Twist And Shout Osteopathy), Ms De Rossi explained that as long as ratings and advertising continue to double in line, there should be no problem.

2MB Community Radio - I guess 'When' will be next.

Negligible Interest

2009-06-08T10:37:00.003+10:00

Local fruiter Heather Graham's quest for a return to breakfast radio met another setback this week with her proposed new show Where Oh Where Is My Underwear? slammed in local street polls. Examples of feedback included:

"Absolutely disgusting. Isn't it about time Miss Graham started wearing all her clothes every time she went out in public? Yes, even at (local kebab shop) Dennehy's!" - local Rotary Club secretary Shannon Doherty.

"I don't, y'know, mind the idea of Heather wearing no underpants. That's kinda hot. But isn't this radio?" - Brad Garret, Deputy Choreographer, Town Enthusiastic Dancing Society.

"They're probably in her intimates chiffonier. Or her laundry hamper." - Lorne Michaels, owner of The Local Lorne-dro-mat.

Miss Graham, disappointed by the criticism of the proposed show, has vowed to not give up and has reportedly put her 'thinking cap' back on. Her 'thinking panties' remain frustratingly absent.

2MB Community Radio - misses Heath too

No Cause For Concern

2009-06-03T13:02:00.005+10:00

On last night's episode of One Hundred Minutes With Rick Moranis, 2MB Community Radio station owner and town massage oil tycoon Ellen Degeneres revealed she was not worried about the ever-growing prize pool for real estate appraiser Hugh Jackman's ratings-smashing game show Hugh Goes There.

"It is true that the prize pool will reach $320 in cash and 16 free sessions at Twist And Shout Osteopathy this Friday should nobody guess the local identity who Hugh is impersonating," conceded Ms Degeneres. "But that's not enough to concern me. Despite the doubling effect [High School Head of Mathematics] Mr Clooney keeps banging on about, I'm not worried. Sooner or later somebody will unravel Hugh's impression."

Ms Degeneres also revealed that Mr Jackman has vowed to maintain 100% secrecy throughout the span of the game show. "'Mum's the word', apparently," she revealed.

In unrelated news, local morticians Florence Henderson, Marion Ross and Meredith Baxter Birney have all been ruled out as possible solutions.

2MB Community Radio - if you can't trust the town billionaire who can you trust?

Make Me An Offer

2009-05-30T13:14:00.005+10:00

On this week's edition of Pinching Penny, your host (local frugality expert and former financial powerbroker) Penny Marshall offers exciting and inspired tips on how to make extra cash by holding garage sales.

Penny's keys to garage sale success?

location (ie, your neighbour's house and belongings) and
timing (ie, when he's spending a weekend in the mountains)

Also, pyramid schemes! They're not just for Egyptians any more.

2MB Community Radio - covet thy neighbour's second-hand goods

Double Or Nothing

2009-05-22T11:44:00.005+10:00

As local real estate appraiser Hugh Jackman's identity-guessing show Hugh Goes There completes its second week with still nobody having guessed which local identity Hugh is impersonating, local Head of the High School Mathematics department George Clooney has expressed grave concerns about the automatically doubling prize pool.

"I am gravely concerned about the automatically doubling prize pool," said Mr Clooney. "Sure, this week it's just $80 in cash and 4 free sessions at 'Twist and Shout Osteopath'. But in a few short weeks it will be $10,240 and 512 free sessions. And not long after that it will be $10,485,760 and 524,288 free sessions. And let's face it, nobody's back pain is that bad."

2MB Community Radio - exponents of inaccurate guessing

X Marks The Spot

2009-05-17T08:23:00.005+10:00

Tune in tonight for a special repeat airing of the smash hit new quiz show that has the town talking. Hugh Goes There stars local real estate appraiser and 'Man of One Hundred And Forty-Four Voices' Hugh Jackman.

Laugh along with Hugh as he calls unsuspecting local housewives and nursing homes and invites them to guess... Hugh (or 'who') Goes There. And remember, if contestants can't guess the identity of the community personality that Hugh is impersonating then, each week, the prize pool doubles!

Next week, contestants on Hugh Goes There will be playing for $40 in cash and two sessions at 'Twist and Shout Osteopathy'. Will you be the one who unravels Hugh's secret identity? (Remember, Co-Mayor Affleck, Deputy Co-Mayor Damon, Rabbi Gibson, Madame Kidman and Jack Black's favourite trout 'Gilly' have all been ruled out.)

2MB Community Radio - huge!

The Old Man And The C-Cup

2009-05-12T14:13:00.003+10:00

Tonight, on Brooke's Books, your regular host and deputy town librarian Brooke Burke is joined by Michael Caine, of Caine Family Butchers (all pork sausages still half price!). Mr Caine, perhaps better known as the foremost local Vonnegut scholar, will tonight eschew the genre-bending, darkly comic satirist and instead spend the episode discussing the works of Ernest Hemingway.

In particular, Mr Caine will discuss A Farewell To Arms and how he uses the title of this work to inspire increased safety among employees using the electric meat and bone band saw.

Other blade-trauma avoidance tips will also be revealed by Mr Caine during the course of the show, including the importance of not being distracted by tolling bells, as well as making sure cattle are well and truly dead before cutting into them.

2MB Community Rodeo - ole!

Kiefer Madness

2009-05-09T11:32:00.005+10:00

As a result of overwhelming public demand, this morning's breakfast Traffic Tarot report by Madame Kidman will be replayed in full during drive time. Evening motorists are warned that, as a result, Madame Kidman's much-talked-about predictive rush hour updates are likely to be even less accurate than usual. It is hoped that the replayed reaction of new breakfast host and local locksmith Keifer Sutherland to the reading will mollify unhappy commuters.

When quizzed on whether or not he is likely to repeat on future breakfast shows the headbutting incident that has the town abuzz, Mr Sutherland (of 'Keys For Kiefer', now open 24 hours a day) said that 'depended solely on how fanciful Madame Kidman was with future linkings between traffic congestion and the Major Arcana'

2MB - give us a kiss, then

In The Black

2009-05-05T11:02:00.002+10:00

The latest episode of Pinching Penny, hosted by local frugality expert and former banking executive Penny Marshall, offers a fresh myriad of tips on how to save money in these economically turbulent times.

Tonight: The local laundromat - why it's an untapped resource for fashion-savvy skinflints everywhere

Also, counterfeiting. Why it's only a colour laser printer away.

2MB Community Radio - a penny stolen is a penny earnt

Ham Radio

2009-05-01T11:36:00.001+10:00

On tonight's special episode of Tenacious D-Bate, your regular host and local fishmonger Jack Black will host and participate in a special discussion on the recent postponement of the Swine and Wine Festival.

Mr Black will argue that the postponement of the Festival was a wise move by the co-Mayors, pointing to his recent surge in seafood sales as evidence.

Opposing the postponement will be local butcher Michael Caine, of Caine's Family Butchers, who will argue that an important pork-based town celebration should not be abandoned simply because Mayor Affleck developed a case of the sniffles.

Mayor Affleck is expected to chime in during the debate to reassure local citizens that he still encourages them to drink as much wine 'as humanly possible'.

Tune into this simmering culinary discussion tonight at 9:15pm, right here on 2MB Community Radio

2MB Community Radio - face masks on

Position Vacant

2009-04-27T10:07:00.003+10:00

Community Notice

Fancy Pants, the local nightclub owned by Senior Surfing Champion Betty White, is looking for a new bouncer.

Applicants must have: a towering stature, a deep, imposing voice, a ju jitsu certificate from Sensei Jennie Garth (blue belt or above) and a name homonymous with an insect

In related news, Bea Arthur's memorial service will take place tomorrow afternoon. Please bring your own cheese and octopus straps.

2MB Community Radio - bouncering, baby!

Nine A-Cross

2009-04-19T15:01:00.006+10:00

NEWSFLASH!

Town Atheists Chairman and high school leatherwork teacher, Mr Scott Baio, who was nailed to a cross nine days ago as a combination protest against Easter and promotion for Harry Hamlin's Happ'nin' Hardware Sale, has finally been un-nailed (Forged Heat-Treated Steel Head Claw Hammer with Hickory Handle, only $14.95!!).

Mr Baio, who had remained silent throughout his crucifixion campaign, responded to questions about how he felt following an incredible nine days of being nailed to the most cost-effective timber in the local community, by repeatedly shouting:

"Suck on that, JC"

John Cusack, half-owner of 'Cusack's DIY, LOL', refused to respond to Mr Baio's insults, although he did confess that Mr Hamlin's unique advertising promotion may well have earned him an unassailable lead in local nail-gun market share.

2MB Community Radio - rises again

The Bottom Line

2009-03-24T10:16:00.004+11:00

In these difficult economic times, townfolk are searching for ways to save. And 2MB is here to help with an all-new show Pinching Penny at the extremely prudent timeslot of 11am Tuesday-Thursday.

On the debut show, your regular host, former banking executive and strategic advisor, Penny Marshall will divulge some of her top frugality tips, including a twenty minute editorial on shoplifting and how, when done correctly, it adds up to massive savings on your bottom line

2MB Community Radio - saving you from yourself

Re-Versed?

2009-03-08T14:51:00.006+11:00

As the second anniversary approaches of the cancellation of Kate Cruise's infamous short-lived poetry radio show, Getting Verse, her husband, local pharmaceutical representative Tom, urges fans of the cult classic to 'chillax'.

"That's a hybrid word that JC taught me the other night as I waited outside the staff meeting for Kate to finish," revealed Mr Cruise, with little to no prompting. "Not only am I urging you to 'chill', as in 'stay cool'. I'm also imploring you to 'relax', via the implied meaning of the suffix 'lax'. Chillax."

Mr Cruise went on to add that this kind of compelling wordplay and etymological investigation would 'almost certainly' form a foundation of the retooled Getting Verse when it returns to the air, which he expected to occur 'probably some time after Easter'.

He also seemed unfazed when informed by passing schoolyard ruffians that the more conventional monogram for ('chillax' introducer and High School Head of Mathematics) George Clooney would be 'GC' rather than 'JC'.

"'Conventions' are just places I peddle my drugs, man," he explained. "Now, can I interest you in some Baclofen™?"

2MB Community Radio - looking forward to Lent

Do You Know Why They Call Me The Count?

2009-03-04T07:58:00.003+11:00

Host Brooke Burke would like to apologise to listeners for last night's very special episode of Brooke's Books featuring local psychic Madame Kidman discussing Bram Stoker's Dracula.

"We certainly expected far more discussion of the novel itself," said Miss Burke. "And far less talk about baby accessories and sweet chili sauce. In particular, I'd like to apologise to our sponsor for the episode, and promise that, when we re-examine this novel with a less baby and food-obsessed guest, we will, as contractually agreed, focus more on the Count's teeth and the wise investment choices he must have made to afford that kickin' castle."

Madame Kidman was unrepentant.

"I thought they said 'pram'," she explained. "What kind of name is 'Bram', anyway? Who would give their child such an absurd name?"

2MB Community Radio - can turn into a bat!

A Pinch Of Salt

2009-02-28T09:29:00.006+11:00

Last night's edition of On The Beat, On The Air with Constable Michael Rourke updated listeners on the startling events that took place early Wednesday morning at the 'Sticky Buns' bakery on East Novak Avenue.

According to Constable Rourke, local pastry chef Kate E. Winslet (regular host of the It's Time To Meet Your Baker cooking show here on 2MB Community Radio, every other weekday morning) placed a 4:30 a.m. call to Constable Rourke, when part-time architect Paul McCartney entered her storefront through the window he had broken with a stainless steel t-square. He was carrying under one arm what looked like a log-sized hunk of butter in the form of a human leg.

According to Ms Winslet, Mr McCartney was 'obviously discombobulated, reeking of burned plastic and linseed oil.' Though she could barely understand the oft-rambling, incoherent McCartney, she seemed to believe he was insisting that 'the butter wouldn't melt.'

"So I put it in a pie," Winslet told Constable Rourke.

In other town news, Constable Rourke reminds citizens that speeding tickets issued during the now-retracted month of Afflember still stand. This means you, Jennie Garth.

(Additional reporting by Krissy Sheets, swaying provocatively)

2MB Community Radio - mmmm, 3.14159265358979323846...

And The Award Goes To...

2009-02-24T10:00:00.004+11:00

Amy Sedaris (host of 2MB Community Radio's five minute gossip segment, every hour on the hour, after the news and soil salinisation report) reports that the Eighty-First Annual Community Awards reached their nadir last night, with co-Mayor Affleck sweeping the ceremony for the ninth year running. Watched by fewer than two dozen people, many of them homeless and attending under threat of arrest, the co-Mayor accepted each and every award with 'obnoxious fist-pumping' and shouts of 'get that up ya' to his fellow nominees, almost none of whom were present.

One who was present was Heather Graham, former joint host with Heath Ledger of the Heath, Heather, Heathest breakfast radio show. The popular morning program was the sentimental favourite to win the coveted 'Best Supporting Breakfast Radio Show in a Small Town Community' award. However, co-Mayor Affleck again claimed the award, despite taking no part in any breakfast radio during the year.

"I'd hoped that with co-Mayor Leoni now sharing power with co-Mayor Affleck, the foul stench of corruption at these awards might have abated," said Miss Graham. "I guess I was wrong. Now I feel like an idiot getting all frocked up in this strapless, backless, crotchless gown."

Co-Mayor Affleck's response was brief:

"Get that up ya!" he said, before belching a request for another tankard of beer.

2MB Community Radio - thanking the Academy

Mystery Lovers

2009-02-16T09:54:00.004+11:00

Mystery continues to surround the identity of the caller who called in to Saturday night's special Valentine's Day episode of Courtney's Love Messages And Affirmations.

The caller, who stunned host Courtney Love with their 'open and anonymous' declaration of love during the second-last call of the evening, remains thrillingly anonymous and the target of much speculation among gossip-mongers and audio file analysts in the local community. Especially given that the caller refused to reveal not only their identity, but also the identity of their admiree.

When pressed for a clue, the hopelessly romantic caller admitted only to being 'driven crazy by their sweat', before hanging up.

However, just as Ms Love went to open lines for additional guesswork on the identity of the secretion admirer, Tom Cruise, the local pharmaceutical representative,My called in to fill the remaining eighty-one minutes of the show with his annual declaration of devotion to wife and high school music teacher Kate Cruise, along with a half-price offer on Karpax.™

In unrelated news, the town vocoder is still reported missing.

2MB Community Radio - stocking up on Karpax™

Do Unto Others

2009-02-07T13:48:00.006+11:00

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Christian Bale Charm School - we're so affable, it's laffable!

2MB Community Radio - ducking out of sight

* Half moneys refunded will be the half price not paid for the class. See fine print for further details of this and other hidden costs

Disengaged

2009-01-28T10:41:00.003+11:00

Local semi-retired architect Paul McCartney has appeared on the latest episode of fan-favourite game show I'm Sorry, I Don't Know How To Improvise to deny recent reports that he was once again engaged.

"You may be thinking of Elisabeth Moss," he said. "Or the other one... whatserface. My telephone."

Mr McCartney, who called in during a particularly close-fought game of 'Potty Mouth', responded to host and moderator Sean Penn's claims that the show was not a particularly good forum for discussing his engagement status by seguing seamlessly into what Cillian Murphy later described as 'the finest display of foulmouthery I've ever heard'

In related news, the town dictionary has now been updated with over thirty-four new words. Ms Moss (unemployed CEO) is reported to have checked out the copy and plans to keep it 'right up until the due date'.

2MB Community Radio - peckerpaste!!

The Talkback of a Notorious Dame

2009-01-21T08:50:00.004+11:00

Last night, on Brooke's Books, local deputy librarian and regular host Brooke Burke chatted with the new owner of 'Hugo's Weaving' (the popular looming and textile factory warehouse on Welles Way). In addition to discussing the details of the stock swap and taking calls on the viability of her proposed new name for the factory ('Sigourney, Weaver'), Ms Weaver also revealed why, exactly, renowned author Victor Hugo was 'so damned les miserable'.

"Probably made a poor factory sale decision," was Ms Weaver's opinion. "Also, having to learn French just so you can write a novel. That'd make anybody miserable."

2MB Community Radio - hates when weavers loom

They Say It's Your Birthday

2009-01-10T10:01:00.003+11:00

NEWSFLASH!

An emergency town council meeting has been called to thrash out issues arising from the new town calendar implemented by co-mayors Affleck and Leoni. In particular, the Alley-Martinez-Mills Birthday Bash Barbecue Committee wants to know how the ongoing month of Afflember will impact the birthday celebrations of the three prominent community members.

"Their birthdays are all on January 12th," said Local Rotary Club secretary and spokesman for the AMM-BB-BBQ-C Shannon Doherty. "And we've been planning the celebrations for months. Kirstie's closed down her drywall business for the week. Olivier's taken a bath. And Heather's just got her leg back from the polisher. And now... well, who knows what we're going to do now?"

Co-mayor Affleck's suggestion of using the affordable calendar conversion charts (still available from the council) and instead celebrating the birthdays on the 12th of Afflember has been wholeheartedly rejected.

"The restraining order taken out by Heather specifically covers the eleventh to thirteenth of January," explained Miss Doherty. "There is no mention of 'Afflember' and Judge Downey is still in Vanuatu. We must change the calendar back - we can't risk a repeat of last year."

When questioned about whether he would revisit his antics of the previous year, Mr McCartney claimed there was 'no chance', citing a bad back, the loss of his pilot's licence and the worldwide shortage in pesticide. 'I couldn't even if I wanted to,' he said, before returning to his freshly acquired snake pit.

2MB Community Radio - taking an umbrella

The Thirteenth Month

2009-01-03T08:48:00.004+11:00

Message From Returning Webmaster Luke Wilson - 3 Afflember, 2008

Please note that the dates on this blog have not yet been standardised to the new local calendar. I have been rehired to rectify this problem and estimate that I should have it finished within three to five days (= approximately two fortdays). In the meanwhile, please ignore all dates on blog posts, or purchase your very reasonably priced January-Afflember Converter from the Council Chambers.

And while you're there, why not purchase a second one as a spare? Or a stylish Afflember Solstice Gift?

2MB Community Radio - if the Mayans can make up their own calendar, so can we

Counting Back Up

2008-12-27T09:07:00.004+11:00

NEWSFLASH

Co-Mayors Affleck and Leoni have officially announced that, due to widespread community dissatisfaction with the year 2008 and the town motto of 'Never Walk Away!', the town will not be moving onto a new year next Thursday but will, instead, be continuing on with the current one until we get it right.

Next month will therefore be known as Afflember, which will contain a startling 47 days, including New Town Motto Day (34th Afflember)

The mayors have denied that this decision is an outlandish revenue-raising scheme and notes that new calendars will be available, at 'somewhat reasonable rates', from the co-Mayoral offices from the 9th of Afflember on.

2MB Community Radio - Happy same year!

Things Fall Apart, The Santa Cannot Hold

2008-12-16T15:37:00.004+11:00

The Joint Mayors' Christmas Press Conference continues to cause controversy, with last night's last minute edition of Tenacious D-Bate (featuring long time Primary School captaincy rivals Dakota Fanning and Abigail Breslin) spending almost the entire hour in heated discussion over why, exactly, the co-Mayors were opposed to Father Christmas.

A call from co-Mayor Leoni to clarify co-Mayor Affleck's comments appeared to have ended the crisis when she explained that he had, in fact, not threatened to "throw all the Santas in jail where they could rot like disembowelled quokkas", as was widely reported. Co-mayor Leoni clarified that co-Mayor Affleck had, instead, made the threat against 'all dissenters', revealing that the confusion was primarily due to her mayoral partner's infamous 'December slur'.

There the matter might have ended had co-Mayor Affleck not commandeered the phone line demanding fresh eggnog, before embarking on his own profane clarifications.

Tonight, on 2MB Community Radio, another last-minute edition of Tenacious D-Bate, where your regular host and local fishmonger Mr Jack Black will discuss whether or not disembowelling Quakers can be considered 'religious persecution'.

Rabbi Gibson will appear for the negative.

2MB Community Radio - Quakering in our boots

Prince Of Thieving Tides

2008-12-05T08:21:00.004+11:00

With the annual Seniors' Surfing Championship only a little over a week away, most townfolk are wondering whether anybody is capable of dethroning long-reigning champion Betty White.

One man who thinks it can be done is retired police detective Mel Brooks who has stunningly announced his intentions to enter the competition despite his well-documented ongoing case of wave rage ("Tides! They're controlled by the freakin' moon!!" he has explained on several occasions. "Who knows what those little alien bastards up to? One of them stole my watch, you know!").

Mr Brooks is so confident of his chances of succeeding in an unprecedented Mel-Born Cup/Senior's Surfing Championship double that he has promised to explain how he will defeat Ms White on next Tuesday's edition of One Hundred Minutes With Rick Moranis (guest host: Rick Baker in a home-made Rick Moranis mask).

"I don't want to spoil it," said Mr Brooks. "But I can reveal part of my plan will involve preying on her fear of heights, beans and mispronunciation of her name."

Ms White has made no comment.

2MB Community Radio - wax on!

Wells, Wells, Wells

2008-11-26T11:24:00.004+11:00

2MB Community Radio and local deputy librarian Brooke Burke would like to apologise for last night's episode of Brooke's Books, which was scheduled to feature local cropduster Woody Harrelson discussing HG Wells' classic The Invisible Man.

Instead, Miss Burke spent most of the show talking to nobody.

"I thought he'd showed up invisibly," said Miss Burke. "Y'know, in keeping in spirit with the book. And when he didn't reply, I just assumed it was a case of nerves. It happens you know."

It was only in the forty-first minute of the show that Miss Burke realised that her gentle prodding for opinions on the book under discussion were not being ignored but were instead being directed to an empty chair.

"I found out after there'd been a mixup and he'd arrived at the studio the night before," explained Miss Burke. "Insistent that we were supposed to be on. And that we were discussing The Time Machine to boot. Obviously there's been some kind of mixup. We're not due to discuss that particular book until next year."

Mr Harrelson was unavailable for comment, but his copilot assured us that he would get back to us 'last week'.

2MB Community Radio - time to travel?

When A Man Hates A Woman

2008-11-18T09:25:00.003+11:00

On tonight's special extra-length overly-meta episode of Dem Hatin' Haydens, your regular hosts Hayden Panettiere and Hayden Christensen spend ninety quality minutes discussing their overwhelming hatred of hatred itself.

This freewheeling conversation is compelling radio as our twin vendors of venom give free rein to their loathing of all aspects of hatred, including hate crimes, Haiti and hate mail.

Regular listeners won't want to miss the last minute of the show as the pair come face-to-face with their inevitable hatred of their own show and, indeed, one another, before ending the show in a frenzy of heavily censored abuse.

2MB Community Radio - needs a new show for this timeslot

The Tide Has Turned

2008-11-11T08:30:00.002+11:00

NEWSFLASH!

Local publican Aisha Tyler has been recommended for a bravery award after rescuing Kirstie Alley from a dangerous rip at Mortensen Beach. The rip, which threatened to drag Ms Alley out to sea, was easily traversed by the inebriated Ms Tyler, a former ARDS Submerg-a-thon champion and host of 2MB Community Radio's Saturday morning show Hair of the Dog.

While Ms Tyler downplayed her drunken heroics ("Does anybody have a Berocca™?"), Constable Rourke questioned why surf lifesavers on duty hadn't come to Ms Alley's rescue.

"Frankly," said Lifesaver Daniel Craig. "We thought she was a sea animal of some description. A dugong, maybe? Or a submarine."

"Also," added colleague Pierce Brosnan. "We'd just broken for lunch."

Constable Rourke accepted the lifesavers' explanations and reminded town beachgoers to always swim between the flags and outside of the regularly scheduled meal, coffee and cigarette breaks.

2MB Community Radio - waiting thirty minutes after eating

Mel-Born Cup

2008-11-04T09:12:00.000+11:00

The town's favourite horse race, the Mel-Born Cup, will go ahead today, despite the public reservations of Co-Mayor Leoni. The co-mayor, who controversially retains her role as head of the local chapter of PETA, did manage one victory, however, successfully banning the use of 'whips, poppers or electrical shock devices of any kind' by both jockeys and horses in the big race.

Jockeys are furious about the ruling:

"How can I get my horse to maintain its maximum velocity if I don't thrash it to within an inch of its life?" asked town courtesan Melissa George (riding Prince Caspian's Loins today). "Am I supposed to entice it to go faster in some way?"

"Does anybody have a carrot and a fishing rod?" was the question from apprentice chef Melissa Joan Hart (My Jolly Roger).

"I'm old," said former police detective Mel Brooks (Nom De Equine). "Can't I just do what I want?"

"My horse likes a good thrashing!" claimed Rabbi Gibson (Mr Ed).

Despite the protests of these and other jockeys the edict stands and the race will go ahead without the much-loved beating implements.

In related news, Co-Mayor Affleck has also announced that the phrase 'the race that stops a community' will be phased out and, henceforth, they will just be known as 'Puerto Ricans'.

2MB Community Radio - will be happy with a place

Man! I Feel Like A Radio Host!

2008-10-28T10:44:00.003+11:00

On tonight's episode of Brooke's Books, your regular host and deputy town librarian Brooke Burke welcomes Dr Martin Sheen, a retired proctologist and self-confessed Mark Twain fanatic.

The pair will provide an overview of Mr Twain's career as a writer, anti-imperialist and rumour-decrier before moving onto a heated debate about the necessity or otherwise for stricter visa requirements for Connecticut Yankees.

Bigoted listeners won't want to miss this one!

2MB Community Radio - just fine whitewashing this fence by ourselves, thanks

Separation of Powers

2008-10-21T14:49:00.005+11:00

Last night's One Hundred Minutes With Rick Moranis (featuring guest host Sigourney Weaver interviewing Joint Mayors Affleck and Leoni) delved even more deeply into the town's mayoral crisis and the co-Mayors' feelings about Judge Downey's 'solution' to their equal claims to the role.

While co-Mayor Leoni feels that the strapping that now binds them together at the leg is an overly literal interpretation of the law, co-Mayor Affleck applauds the decision, claiming that it's perfect training for the Town Three-Legged Race next March.

When asked whether or not they were going to appeal Judge Downey's ruling, co-Mayor Affleck, by now clearly inebriated, said he had no plans to do so, before belching out his explanation:

"Showers have never been more fun," he revealed.

In unrelated news, Judge Downey, tanned, wise and laid-back after his recent Whitsundays holiday, has also ruled that Bindi Irwin be cut in half to avoid any future parental disputes that may or may not arise. The Irwins are reported to have left town.

2MB Community Radio - and stay out!

Hate's Holiday

2008-10-14T09:56:00.000+11:00

Dem Hatin' Haydens are back from holidays with a whole new list of vile vacation vexations! Tune in tonight to hear your regular hosts Hayden Panettiere and Hayden Christensen deride sunburn blisters, the poor quality of ping-pong tables on cruise ships and the awkwardness of overzealous immigration officials accusing you of smuggling drugs in your bottom.

2MB Community Radio - glad to be home

The Fall Will Probably Kill You

2008-09-30T08:36:00.000+10:00

Acting Twin Mayors Affleck and Leoni have jointly announced that the funeral for local Holden dealer Paul Newman will be held tomorrow despite the predictions of fierce storms.

"I don't believe in prognostications," said Twin Mayor Leoni. "Live for the present, I say. Besides, I've been assured by Bob [one of the carburetor technicians at Paul Newman Holdens] that if the weather does begin to look inclement, he'll be more than prepared to chase off the clouds with some kind of 'sun dance'."

2MB Community Radio - some puns cannot be resisted

We Hold These Truths To Be Self-Evident

2008-09-24T08:58:00.000+10:00

After a week of multiple recounts overseen by Mr Clooney, the Head of the High School Mathematics Department, the mayoral election has been declared a tie.

Mr Clooney explained that he and his Four Unit Advanced Mathematics class had 'gone over the numbers several times, in multiple bases, using both matrix algebra and traditional Peano-based counting techniques' and, no matter how they analysed it, the votes for Mayor Affleck and Mayoral Candidate Tea Leoni ended up being equal ('to more than six decimal places').

Judge Downey, in a reluctant phone call from his Whitsunday Islands cruise, has told the prospective mayors to 'chill out' and 'just, like, share the duties' until he returns from his holidays, when he'll make a 'more legally binding' and 'less tequila-based' ruling on the matter.

2MB Community Radio - putting a knot in the tie

Recount Away

2008-09-17T12:22:00.000+10:00

NEWSFLASH!

Counting has recommenced on the ballots from last Saturday's mayoral election. Local Rotary Club secretary Shannon Doherty estimates that final tally results will be available by late Friday afternoon 'assuming that idiot Arquette keeps his distance'. She assures all voters and candidates that her staff recovered 'eighty to ninety percent of ballot papers', and, statistically speaking, that should be sufficient, a fact confirmed by local probability theory enthusiast and drywall worker Kirstie Alley.

Mr Arquette has apologised for his actions, confessing that he 'hadn't really thought through the ramifications of bringing a leaf-blower into the tally room'.

2MB Radio - calling upon the law of large numbers

Piggy In The Middle

2008-09-07T08:44:00.000+10:00

With only a week until town elections, the mayoral campaign of the local head of PETA, Tea Leoni, threatens to fall apart, with her selection of Michael Caine (of Caine Family Butchers, half price on pheasant throughout September) as her running mate proving to be (in the censored words of local pundit, Mr Rick Moranis) 'a predictable %&#-ing disaster'.

Despite claims of being able to find middle ground and work together, the prospective Mayor and Deputy Mayor are currently deadlocked over the issue of pigs' rights, with Ms Leoni declaring them to be among the most intelligent and sensitive of God's creatures. Mr Caine, in contrast, is of the opinion that they are totally tasty-delicious and excellent value when purchased in bulk.

It remains to be seen whether or not this issue, or, indeed, any of the dozens of others on their lists, derails the pair's campaign. However, Amy Sedaris (host of 2MB Community Radio's five minute gossip segment, every hour on the hour, after the news and pasteurization report) reveals that matters 'certainly weren't helped' by Mr Caine emerging for Day One of discussions wearing a genuine coonskin raccoon tail hat, a 'belated birthday gift' from Deputy Mayor Damon.

2MB Community Radio - dirty, muddy politics

The Amazing Race

2008-09-01T10:30:00.000+10:00

The looming council elections have had a 'spaniel' thrown into the works with the announcement that local head of PETA, Tea Leoni, has entered the race with her pet cocker spaniel Lil' Dave as a running mate.

The ticket of Mayor Affleck and Deputy Mayor Damon who had, until this point, been running unopposed, 'poo-poohed' Ms Leoni's sudden candidacy.

"Local townfolk want a mayoral team that cover all the issues," said Mayor Affleck. "From the ongoing dealings with the No Standing sign on Hepburn Ave to the maintenance of the town internet firewall. Deputy Mayor Damon and I have had our fingers on the pulse of what concerns local citizens for many years now. The last thing this community needs is change. Especially in the form of a single-issue candidate!"

In response, Ms Leoni issued a denial.

"Lil' Dave and I will be covering all the issues," she said. "From animal welfare to animal rights and everything in between."

Ms Leoni went on to add that she was 'checking into' town bylaws as to whether or not pets were eligible to vote in town elections as she felt this factor could really 'tip the balance'.

Lil' Dave had no comment at this time.

2MB Community Radio - one small step for petkind

Honeymooners

2008-08-21T08:30:00.000+10:00

In the aftermath of the weeding ceremony held by local massage oil tycoon Ellen Degeneres and perennial guest-in-residence Portia De Rossi, Deputy Mayor Damon has instituted a number of emergency laws.

As of midnight tonight, it will be forbidden to:

wield a rake in a threatening manner (even if one is emulating 'Pigsy')

'mulch' a child's asthma medication

drink champagne out of a flower pot, vase or antique wooden clog

challenge a goat to a Tae Kwon Do bout

perform 'jumps' of more than four persons with a ride-on lawnmower

Deputy Mayor Damon went on to say that while he lacks the power to outlaw clothing one's self in only a fig leaf and a straw hat, he urges citizens and town leaders to 'restrain themselves'.

"I enjoy a good weeding ceremony as much as the next person," said the Deputy Mayor, stepping away from Rotary Club secretary Shannon Doherty. "But, come on! With all those pruning saws about? It could just get nasty."

In related news, Dakota Fanning has been released from hospital with 'a large number of cuts and lacerations', but 'otherwise okay'. She claims that if Mayor Affleck ever wants another try for the record, she would 'happily' take the fifth ('or even sixth') person position again.

2MB Radio - party on, gals!

Hate... Thy Will Be Done

2008-08-14T08:52:00.000+10:00

Your favourite hatemongers are back with an Olympics-themed cavalcade of loathing. Yes, Dem Hatin' Haydens Go To The Olympics (not literally). Tune in to hear regular hosts Hayden Christensen and Hayden Panettiere discuss what, exactly, they find most distasteful about the Olympic movement. Featuring discussions on beach volleyball attire ('ew! sandy!'), the Fosbury Flop ('ew! twisty!') and Olympic torches ('ew! carbon emission-ey!')

2MB Community Radio - drug-tested to within an inch of our lives

Potatoes With An 'E'

2008-08-08T09:45:00.000+10:00

Town psychic Madame Kidman has called upon local media and law-enforcement agents to leave her and her husband alone, as rumours continue to circulate that they plan to cook and eat their newborn baby this Sunday.

"The rumours are ridiculous," said Madame Kidman, carrying a bag of potatoes. "Hugh and I would never eat our little girl. Certainly not with all this baby fat still on her. Hmmmm? No, 'Keith and I'. Isn't that what I said?"

Madame Kidman then left the aisle to 'search out some seasoning herbs'.

2MB Community Radio - eating lean

Rules? What Rules?

2008-08-02T16:36:00.000+10:00

Tonight's scheduled episode of Brooke's Books featuring regular host and deputy town librarian Brooke Burke discussing the works of John Irving with local fishmonger Jack Black has been cancelled. When asked to reveal why, Mr Black explained that he had 'misunderstood' the focus of the discussion and, as a result, had not prepared adequately for the show.

"I just got it all wrong," he admitted. "But if anybody wants to discuss the world according to carp, then come see me in the shop and I'll fill you in. Also, 20% off bream until Tuesday!"

Instead, tonight's episode will now feature a Classic Brooke's Books, the infamous Tintin episode. As always, dog lovers are advised to turn the sound down from the fifty-third minute on as Professor Macchio goes into graphic detail of how he'd stop Snowy from his interminable crying.

2MB Radio - pray for the meanies!

Give Me One Eye, Give Me One Horn

2008-07-27T11:23:00.000+10:00

Citing doctor-patient confidentiality, Dr Gruffudd has refused to come forth to explain the cause of local high school teacher Kate Cruise's much-discussed case of Purple Hand that has set the town's tongues wagging. He has, however, confirmed that, contrary to reports on So Said Sedaris (Amy Sedaris's regular gossip segment on 2MB Community Radio, every hour on the hour after the news and lamb docking report), Mrs Cruise is not turning into a 'purple people eater'. He went on to add that he 'strongly doubts' Mrs Cruise has ever dabbled in cannibalism of any hue.

2MB Community Radio - peckish

You Give Hate A Bad Name

2008-07-21T09:47:00.000+10:00

Dem Hatin' Haydens are back! On tonight's episode, your regular twin pillars of detestation, Hayden Christensen and Hayden Panettiere discuss what has got them all riled up this week. Targets of the Haydens' high-level hatred include miners ('just clean yourselves up already!'), minors ('just grow yourselves up already!') and mynahs ('just mammal yourselves up already!').

2MB Community Radio - you're to blame

A Roast By Any Other Name

2008-07-15T15:14:00.000+10:00

To celebrate the ongoing denials by Madame Kidman that she has eaten her new born baby, we present a very special repeat presentation of Gasteyer-onome: The Host With The Roast featuring Ana Gasteyer (of local restaurant Le Food) and Michael Caine's (of Caine Family Butchers) celebrated analysis of the Sunday roast and how one maximises its deliciousness quotient.

Note: Despite the local head of PETA, Tea Leoni's protests, the uncensored version of the episode will be broadcast, containing Michael Caine's earthy impersonation of a lamb entering an abbatoir. An investigation by Judge Downey has declared the impression to be both accurate and hilarious.

2MB Community Radio - lock up your slaughters

Praying To Dionysus

2008-07-08T11:08:00.000+10:00

Jake Gylenhaal, resident wit on fan-favourite game show I'm Sorry, I Don't Know How To Improvise has been chastised by Deputy Mayor Damon for his latest off-the-cuff antics during a particularly heated game of 'I Swear' with Rabbi Gibson.

"I don't care what anybody says," said the Deputy Mayor. "There is nothing funny about pretending to use a yamaka as a barf bag. I would have thought Mayor Affleck clearly proved that during last year's 'Yum, Kipper! Yom Kippur Festival'."

2MB Community Radio - saluting mayoral insobriety for over a decade

Her Pelvis Has Left The Building

2008-07-02T09:00:00.000+10:00

An appearance by the heavily pregnant Madame Kidman on One Hundred Minutes With Rick Moranis has raised fresh controversy among townfolk, with the town's most accurate psychic revealing that she has been visiting Sensei Jennie Garth (host of Ju-Jitsu With Jennie here on 2MB Community Radio) regularly to hone her pelvic muscles.

"I've done the charts," said Madame Kidman. "Russell Junior must be born on November 19th at 8:13pm to maximise his astrological potential."

When host Rick Moranis pointed out the many flaws in this statement (ie, that even with the strongest pelvic muscles it's highly unlikely she could hold a baby in for over three months longer than it was due, that 'no Scorpio ever amounted to nuthin' and that her husband's name was Keith, among many others), Madame Kidman refused to offer further comment, uttering nothing more than a countdown of the remaining eighty-four minutes of the show, stumbling only once in the mid-sixties.

2MB Community Radio - better overcooked than undercooked

I'd Do Anything For Hate

2008-06-26T09:37:00.002+10:00

The Lord and Lady of Loathing, Hayden Christensen and Hayden Panettiere are back from their hiatus with fresh dollops of detestation in an all-new episode of fan-favourite Dem Hatin' Haydens. Tonight, those rancorous rogues discuss pens without ink, mass shootings and argyle socks.

2MB Community Radio - but we won't do that

We'll Keep On Fighting 'Til The End

2008-06-20T17:03:00.004+10:00

2MB Community Radio reminds everybody to tune in tomorrow for a special early morning edition of Brooke's Books. Your regular host, Brooke Burke, will be joined by local butcher and Kurt Vonnegut scholar Michael Caine to both discuss and digest a Breakfast of Champions during the grand reopening of the 'Diner? Sure' diner on Benny Lane.

If you're in the neighbourhood, why not drop in and join them? Mr Caine recommends the pork sausages.

2MB Community Radio - the most important meal of the day

Shrinkage!

2008-06-16T08:39:00.003+10:00

Amy Sedaris's latest episode of So Said Sedaris (2MB Community Radio's five minute gossip segment, every hour on the hour, after the news and milk futures report) reveals that, according to whispers around town, Mayor Affleck and local head of PETA, Tea Leoni, are about to take their disagreement over miniature animals to another level.

The pair, who clashed heatedly on this week's edition of Tenacious D-Bate, are now set to meet in the court of Judge Downey. Ms Leoni continues to call for the abolition of Mayor Affleck's proposed Miniaturisation Research Centre, deeming it 'unnecessarily cruel' and a 'colossal waste of taxpayer's money'.

The mayor, unshaven and smelling strongly of whiskey, countered that the cruelty was 'very' necessary and, besides, 'if miniaturisation is good enough for poodles, it should be good enough for the rest of the animal kingdom.' He went on to add that he'd waste the taxpayer's money 'however he damn well pleased' and called for a fresh bottle of Johnny Walker Blue.

Judge Downey promises to look at the issue after he completes his ironing and suggests that, in the meantime, the Mayor looks into the whispers that can be heard all around town.

"Frankly, they're freaking me out," said Judge Downey.

2MB Community Radio - making things smaller

Hate Shack

2008-06-09T14:48:00.003+10:00

It's time for another fresh dose of loathing, contempt and outright abhorrence as your regular hosts Hayden Panettiere and Hayden Christensen unveil a freshly bile-filled episode of Dem Hatin' Haydens. Tonight, 2MB Community Radio's favourite antipathy-mongers discuss their mutual detestation of subjects as diverse as achromatic ringtones, the regime of Robert Mugabe and sphenic numbers.

2MB Community Radio - hates factorisation of all numbers

How Much Are You Eowyn?

2008-06-03T10:15:00.003+10:00

Join us tonight for a very special edition of Brooke's Books where your regular host, deputy librarian Brooke Burke, will be joined by fantasy fanatic Dr Marcia Cross to discuss the world of Middle Earth as imagined by JRR Tolkien.

Doctor Cross also invites viewers to stay tuned after this all-elven episode of Brooke's Books as she hosts her all-new game show, Who Wants To Be A Silmarillionaire?

2MB Community Radio - can't help myself... bad hobbits

Taking The Fifth

2008-05-27T10:13:00.006+10:00

Primary School Vice Captain Dakota Fanning's brave bid to make her Are You Smaller Than A Fifth-Grader? quarter final against Bindi Irwin has been abandoned. While Miss Fanning has recovered from the burns received during David Arquette's failed firewall upgrade, her spokesman, local pharmaceutical representative Tom Cruise, has reported that she doesn't feel 'emotionally ready' to return to the studio. Also, she needs to 'tend to her ankle', which somehow got caught in the spokes of her wheelchair while being discharged from the hospital.

Host of the show and local Yoga Instructor Christian Bale, however, can see an upside to Miss Fanning's forfeiture.

"At least we won't have to take the ratings hit from another Bindi Irwin appearance," he said, while doing a Sun Salutation.

He is now looking forward to the first semi-final between Abigail Breslin and semi-retired architect Paul McCartney, and hopes that the ongoing controversy of Mr McCartney's approach to the competition can be resolved before then.

"While the rules don't expressly forbid it," said Mr Bale. "I think it's pretty obvious that his interpretation of 'smaller' is well and truly against the spirit of the competition. Also, it's got to be bad for your eyes."

2MB Community Radio - only acknowledges spirit if it comes from a bottle

Weeds Will Rock You

2008-05-22T12:01:00.004+10:00

Town massage oil tycoon Ellen DeGeneres and perennial guest-in-residence Portia De Rossi have announced that invitations to their upcoming weeding ceremony have been sent out and, if you have not received one within the next five (5) working days, it is 'safe to assume' that you are not invited.

"Rabbi Gibson, that means you," added Ms De Rossi, pointedly.

The ceremony, to be held in the back gardens of the mansion, will be presided over by local landscape gardener and two-time town table tennis champion, Will Arnett, who has promised guests the 'whippinest-snippinest time of their lives'.

2MB Community Radio - firmly believes anybody should be able to weed

If You Can't Be With The One You Hate

2008-05-16T10:42:00.002+10:00

Dem Hatin' Haydens are back with their regular fun-packed stroll through the things they despise. This week, Hayden Panettiere and Hayden Christensen express their deeply felt contempt for the Royal Family of Liechtenstein, massages without clearly defined boundaries and geothermal power.

2MB Community Radio - hate the one you're with

Where There's Smoke...

2008-05-10T12:48:00.006+10:00

STATION ANNOUNCEMENT

After a week of intermittent uptime for the 2MB Community Radio web site following technical upgrades, we are pleased to report that the site is now back in action, ready to bring you all the latest behind the scenes news and information from 973 on your local AM dial.

The station would also like to announce that an investigation is under way into how the dangerously untrained and misinformed David Arquette became so heavily involved in the installation of the new server firewall. We also send a hearty 'get well soon' to Primary School Vice Captain Dakota Fanning over in the town hospital burns ward and hope that the incident won't dissuade her from returning for the quarter-finals of Are You Smaller Than A Fifth Grader? in three weeks time.

2MB Community Radio - Fanning the flames...

Downey's Syndrome

2008-04-28T09:58:00.003+10:00

Amy Sedaris's latest episode of So Said Sedaris (2MB Community Radio's five minute gossip segment, every hour on the hour, after the news and tick report) reports that Judge Downey's first act upon taking the bench and replacing the still-missing Judge Gaiman will be to pardon all defendants currently awaiting trial.

"I want to start with a clean slate," said Judge Downey.

Good news for local drywall worker Kirstie Alley and her stack of speeding tickets. Bad news for Mayor Affleck's civil suit against the 'depraved torture' allegedly inflicted upon him during his alleged kidnapping late last year by Professor Zellweger.

2MB Community Radio - judge not, lest ye be judged

Aboard The Abuse Caboose

2008-04-22T10:09:00.004+10:00

2MB Community Radio would like to apologise in advance for tonight's episode of I'm Sorry, I Don't Know How To Improvise and, in particular, the game of I Think... You Stink between Dakota Fanning and Abigail Breslin which, according to host and moderator Sean Penn got out of hand 'far quicker' than he expected.

"I'd particularly like to apologise for the vulgar and richly visual imagery that the girls used in this fan-favourite insult game," said Mr Penn. "Some of the crudity coming out of their mouths was enough to make even Cillian blush."

Mr Penn went on to explain that, despite the fact the language was as foul as any he'd ever heard on the show (excluding Madame Kidman's sole appearance), none of the cursing would be censored, because the station had 'ratings to consider'.

2MB Community Radio - crude, rude and downright lewd

Too Much Hate Will Kill You

2008-04-16T09:32:00.003+10:00

On tonight's very special one-off episode of Dem Hatin' Haydens Hate Haydn, your regular hosts Hayden Christensen and Hayden Panettiere will be joined by local rickshaw attendant and string quartet expert Max Von Sydow to discuss their shared loathing of the entire opus of Joseph Haydn.

Tune in for this special 70 minute-long look at the works of the Austrian master composer and where he went so disgracefully wrong, with an extra ten minute diversion into a profanity-laden diatribe against his 'loathsome overindulgence' of monothematic exposition, uncut for your pleasure and proudly presented by Paul Newman's Holden Dealership.

2MB Community Radio - classical, schmassical

Get Your Hest On!

2008-04-11T09:56:00.004+10:00

Mayor Affleck has announced extra seating for tomorrow's funeral of local florist Charlton Heston , who died earlier in the week. A spokesman for the mayor said he hoped the release of new tickets would help 'undercut the scalpers'.

The mayor's spokesman also stressed again to Brad Garrett and the many members of his Dance Enthusiasts Society that the original announcement for the funeral contained several typographical errors. Not only was there no requirement for any of the mourners to 'Charleston', any knee-based dancing was positively discouraged.

In related news, Mr Heston's demise means that next month's Roses For Rifles swap has been cancelled.

2MB Radio - Taking the fun out of funerals

Pride In Prejudice

2008-04-06T09:55:00.005+10:00

Just a reminder to tune in next Tuesday for a very special episode of Brooke's Books, in which Miss Shannon Doherty, secretary of the local Rotary Club and last year's Carrot Cake of the Year silver medallist, discusses how the works of Jane Austen gave her renewed pride in her many and varied prejudices.

Despite Ms Burke's many attempts of persuasion and appeals to Miss Doherty's sense of sensibility, no minority group is spared in this startling 90-minute rant. So tune your AM dial to 972 at the special time of 8:30pm to hear Miss Doherty's frank and unsolicited opinions on your colour, creed, race, religion, sexual preference and handedness.

2MB Community Radio - offense is the best defence

Living On Borrowed Time

2008-03-31T16:21:00.006+11:00

STATION ANNOUNCEMENT

As part of a compromise between the pro-daylight saving and anti-daylight saving town factions, all 2MB Community Radio programming will now commence half an hour later than originally advertised (except for Bindi Irwin's appearance on Brooke's Books which has, once again, been postponed).

Jake Gylenhaal, resident wit and punster on the award-winning I'm Sorry, I Don't Know How To Improvise, apologises for any 'inchronovenience'.

through time, 2MB Radio - travelling

I Just Called To Say I Hate You

2008-03-25T08:31:00.003+11:00

On tonight's episode of Dem Hatin' Haydens, your favourite purveyors of contempt and loathing, Hayden Christensen and Hayden Panettiere, will once again spew forth an hour-long diatribe of things they cannot stand.

This week: box jellyfish, people who can't remember your name and fatal car accidents

2MB Community Radio - live to loathe

The Most Important Meal

2008-03-18T09:05:00.004+11:00

News Flash!

Local fruiterer Heather Graham's proposed new breakfast show Heather Meets Graham has been cancelled indefinitely after a door knock has revealed that there are 'precious few' local citizens named 'Graham' and none willing to get up early enough to discuss community events and morning traffic on breakfast radio.

Miss Graham has now widened her search to include 'Graeme's, 'Graym's and even 'Gordon's but holds out little hope for the new show.

"I guess I should have done more research," she said, before urging expectant mothers to 'consider the show's future' when naming newborns.

The failure of the new show to get off the ground means Madame Kidman's interim breakfast show will continue, along with her much-maligned 'tarot traffic reports'. Local motorists are urged to drive carefully.

2MB Community Radio - skipping breakfast more and more these days

Still Making Things Verse

2008-03-12T11:14:00.004+11:00

One year on, there is still no return date for high school teacher Kate Cruise's short-lived poetry radio show, Getting Verse. Local poetry enthusiasts, such as Bryan Brown (of Bryan Brown's Small Business Hour here on 2MB Community Radio), have resigned themselves to the fact that the show may never return.

"It was ahead of its time," said Mr Brown. "Or possibly a long way behind. Either way, I just don't think the town was ready for Kate's vision of poetry that didn't necessarily abide by the 'rules'. I'm all for rules, as my ready adherence to small business tax laws illustrates, but sometimes you just have to push the boundaries, don't you?"

Others, such as Mayor Affleck, disagree:

"Good riddance to bad rubbish," was the mayor's comment, before going on to add that 'speaking of rubbish', the town recycling bins would be emptied when the sanitation board was 'good and ready' and, in the meantime, citizens should 'improvise'.

However, the show may be soon set for a stunning return, with Kate Cruise's husband and local pharmaceutical representative, Tom, reported to be 'just about finished' with the retooling of the show.

"We're going to blow your minds!" was Mr Cruise's claim, fidgeting from foot to foot in excitement. "I don't want to oversell it, but this show is going to redefine the entire medium of radio."

When asked what she thought, Ms Cruise said that she 'agreed with Tom'.

In the meantime, the timeslot will continue to be occupied by Classic Brooke's Books. Tonight, local drywall worker Kirstie Alley joins regular host, Brooke Burke, to discuss George Orwell's Animal Farm, and her favourite pork recipes.

2MB Community Radio - likes the word 'retooling'

When Hate Comes To Town

2008-03-06T09:44:00.002+11:00

Our favourite purveyors of hatred, Hayden Christensen and Hayden Panettiere, are back with yet another roundup of things they despise.

Tune your AM dial to 972 at 9:30pm tonight for Dem Hatin' Haydens.

This week: whaling, people who spit when they talk and the improper use of the word 'literally'.

2MB Community Radio - literally over the moon at the success of this show

Leap Year

2008-02-29T09:45:00.004+11:00

The Town Quadrennial Leap-A-Lympics take place today. With the suspension of 2004 champion, Betty White for illicit angina medication, the field remains the most open in years.

On last night's Chat With Matt program, Matthew Broderick discussed the chances of various contestants with 1992 champion 'Leapin' Luke Wilson. A sample of his comments on the field follow:

Soarin' Salma Hayek - "I don't understand her technique, but I can't argue with her results. I'd be keen to study her physiology and see if I can understand how she works. Salma, give me a call."
Jumpin' Jack Black - "The town fishmonger and host of Tenacious D-Bate is clear favourite. His recent reimagination of the Fosbury Flop left jaws agape."
Bouncin' Bindi Irwin - "No comment."
Flyin' Faith Ford - "Ms Ford should stick to hosting Model F Ford here on 2MB Community Radio, every Wednesday evening from 9:15pm. She seems more interested in looking good than hurling herself as high as possible."
Hoppin' Heather Mills - "Long shot."

2MB Community Radio - divisible by four

How Deep Is Your Hate?

2008-02-23T12:17:00.002+11:00

This week, on Dem Hatin' Haydens, your regulars hosts, Hayden Panettiere and Hayden Christensen, will once again discuss the things they hate most.

This week: toast sweat, Hodgkins' disease and people who 'scat'.

2MB Community Radio: beedideee-beedidddly-bop

The Shellfish Jeans

2008-02-17T11:52:00.005+11:00

On tonight's edition of Tenacious D-Bate, your regular host and local fishmonger, Jack Black will strive to answer the age-old question of whether or not evolution is 'for real' or whether it is the blasphemous web of lies that common sense assures us it is.

Opposing the Theory of Evolution will be Rabbi Gibson, who will be pointing vigorously at a bible (despite repeated advice that this argument is less effective on radio), emphasising the word 'theory' and pointedly asking who among the listening audience has a sister who is a monkey.

In favour of radical Darwinism will be Town Atheists Chairman and high school leatherwork teacher, Mr Scott Baio. He will smile smugly and attempt to boggle our minds with talk of chromosomes, primeval soup and replicators. At no point will he discuss the simian or otherwise nature of any of his siblings.

As always, listeners are invited to call in and offer either their opinions on one of the most clear-cut debates the show has seen, or, alternatively, a recipe for primeval soup. Best recipe will win a pair of Levis and a tray of leftover crustaceans.

2MB Community Radio - fit and surviving

That's Some Catch

2008-02-11T09:06:00.000+11:00

Note that, due to scheduling and legal conflicts, this week's episode of Brooke's Books will only have time to discuss Joseph Heller's Catch-22 (as advertised) if local Heller expert and freelance security guard John Stamos is unable to attend.

If Mr Stamos is able to attend, Brooke's Books will instead focus on Photoshop 5.5 For Dummies, with a special emphasis on dithering.

2MB Community Radio - damned if we do, damned if we don't

Hate Me Do

2008-01-27T17:14:00.000+11:00

The 3 hour marathon episode of Dem Hatin' Haydens, with regular hosts Hayden Christensen and Hayden Panettiere joined by local architect Paul McCartney discussing some of the things he hates about his ex-wife has been postponed, following an incident with David Arquette, a mixing board and a misplaced jazz cigarette.

The episode has been rescheduled for this Thursday night and, as Mr McCartney has found his other notebook, will now be extended to five hours.

2MB Community Radio - hate done right

Baby Love

2008-01-22T08:00:00.000+11:00

Mystery continues to surround the pregnancy of Madame Kidman, the town psychic, according to Amy Sedaris's latest episode of So Said Sedaris (2MB Community Radio's five minute gossip segment, every hour on the hour, after the news and tick report).

According to a straw poll conducted by Heath Ledger and Heather Graham during the recent Regional Straw Bale Quarter-Finals, 7% think Madame Kidman has a 'balloon' beneath her kaftan, 5% claim it's a 'cushion' (or 'throw pillow') and 4% believe the pregnancy is 'real enough'. Eighty-four percent of people questioned 'couldn't give a toss/hoot/fig/flying ****'.

Mayor Affleck vowed to get to the bottom of the situation once he has fully recovered from his recent ordeal, even if he has to "rummage around in there myself". Madame Kidman, meanwhile, had no comment.

2MB Community Radio - hysterical as always

Crazy Little Thing Called Hate

2008-01-15T09:11:00.000+11:00

Tonight, at 9:30pm on 2MB Community Radio, we are proud to introduce a new weekly show: Dem Hatin' Haydens

Join your hosts, Hayden Christensen (Apprentice Cabinetmaker and Boer War enthusiast) and Hayden Panettiere (studying for a combined Actuarial/Physiotherapy Diploma at the local community college), as they discuss the things that have got up their collective noses this week.

In tonight's hour-long premiere episode, Dem Hatin' Haydens will discuss bobbin replacement on sewing machines, chlamydia and the station's insistence on spelling the word 'them' with a 'd'.

2MB Community Radio - all you need is hate

Run, Run, As Fast As You Can

2008-01-11T13:31:00.000+11:00

A heartfelt congratulations to former 2MB Community Radio blogmaster Owen Wilson on winning the town marathon in the record time of 1 hour, 9 minutes. When asked during the post-race interview with Rick Moranis, how he'd managed to maintain such an incredible speed, Mr Wilson responded:

"The time bugs are coming. The time bugs are coming. They're going to eat our spare moments if we... don't... watch... out!"

Before disappearing on a second lap.

Dr Gruffudd agreed that, while Owen's physical stamina, fast-twitch muscle fibre composition and time-management skills had improved beyond all expectations, he should probably adjust the Aripiprazole dosages for both Mr Wilson and second-place runner Kate Cruise, who thanked her husband Tom for 'everything'.

2MB Community Radio - being lapped

A Man, A Plan, A Canal, Affleck!

2008-01-07T08:34:00.000+11:00

Following an impromptu town meeting called by a still-heavily-drugged Mayor Affleck, it has been announced that all recently postponed town events will take place this Friday in an attempt to get the community 'back on schedule'.

"The town marathon will start at noon, with a mid-afternoon break for Jennie Garth's long-awaited Junior Ju-Jitsu demonstration featuring a face-off between Abigail Breslin (brown belt) and Dakota Fanning (belt being used as a dog lead)," explained the mayor, as he swatted away an imaginary pet dragon. "After the girls' demonstration, the town will finally hold a BBQ bash for local architect, Paul McCartney, before the marathon continues, running into the opening of the new town canal, followed by New Year's Eve celebrations."

Despite howls of protest from a number of citizens (notably Mr McCartney, who demanded to know what Mayor Affleck was 'on' and Miss Fanning, who protested that she had only gone to one Ju-Jitsu lesson, where she had decided the martial arts were not for her, following a 'star-jump incident'), Mayor Affleck decreed the plan to be not open for debate.

He did agree, however, to 'sweeten the pot' by declaring Friday to be a public holiday. He also promised, inexplicably, to distribute fresh honey to all town citizens.

"No, seriously," was Mr McCartney's response. "I want to know what you're on."

2MB Community Radio - applauding decisive leadership

Party Poopers

2007-12-31T16:27:00.000+11:00

Due to the poor timing of Mayor Affleck's 'incredible' rescue and Dr Gruffudd's insistence on 'at least' 48 hours bedrest, a decision has been taken to delay all New Year celebrations until the 10th of January.

"I don't like it any more than you do," commented Deputy Mayor Damon, pointing out that he had a long-standing trombone lesson scheduled for that particular evening. "But we can't really ask the mayor to miss out on all the New Year's Eve fun. Not after all he's been through."

When asked to comment further on the predicament from which Mayor Affleck had only just been rescued, Deputy Mayor Damon declared the press conference to be 'so over'.

2MB Community Radio - with time up our sleeves

Through A Scanner, Deeply

2007-12-19T08:06:00.000+11:00

And we're back! Linda Cardellini, host of Tech Wreck and interim blogmaster, would like to give special thanks to Jared Leto and Forest Whitaker from 'Virus? Hire Us!' for removing the trojans, viruses, adware, Windows Vista™, rootkits, malware and spyware riddled throughout the 2MB Community Radio blog computer.

Once again, Courtney Cox Arquette apologises on behalf of her husband for any disruption and hopes that neither of the regular readers of the blog were overly inconvenienced by its absence over the last month.

[Special note: Mr Leto was able to recover over 90% of the nude Dorothy Parker images hidden inside the 'Golf Results' folder. The owner of these images should contact us and we will return them on 3 DVDs]

2MB Community Radio - cleaning up our act

Against The Norm

2007-11-20T08:09:00.000+11:00

As a tribute to the late Norman Mailer, 2MB Community Radio proudly presents a repeat of the Brooke's Books award-winning special Mere Mailer. Join host Brooke Burke and special guest David Schwimmer (Mailer fanatic and town swimming pool specialist - 'Schwimmers For Swimmers Pool Supplies Store - We put the ph back in Ph.D.') as they discuss Mailer's greatest works, with a special focus on his 1948 classic The Naked And The Dead.

(Note: due to town censorship laws, discussion is limited to the 'dead' portion of the wartime masterpiece. All references to the 'naked' portion are replaced with specially selected snippets of toe-tapping ragtime music for your enjoyment.)

2MB Community Radio - the Mailer must get through

Marathon Mania

2007-11-15T12:31:00.000+11:00

After a heated town council session, Deputy Mayor Damon has agreed to allow this year's town marathon to be run between the 'groundbreaking' hours of midnight and 5 am.

While unconvinced by marathon organiser and high school music teacher Kate Cruise's arguments that the unconventional timeslot will help ease 'global warming', the Deputy Mayor did concede that it would remove any need to alter the route, timetable or driver of the 596 bus route.

"That will make Professor Macchio very happy," said Deputy Mayor Damon

When asked what the town would do to prevent stragglers from collapsing into bins and being compacted and crushed by the early morning garbage collection, Deputy Mayor Damon revealed plans to provide $5 rebates on new running shoes.

2MB Community Radio - wearing sunglasses at night

When I'm Six Foot Four

2007-11-05T10:37:00.000+11:00

Amy Sedaris's latest episode of So Said Sedaris (2MB Community Radio's five minute gossip segment, every hour on the hour, after the news and shearing report) reveals the following:

According to recent discussions with marriage consultant Judd Nelson, semi-retired local architect Paul McCartney and his ex-wife, provisional osteopath Heather Mills, are both looking to grow as human beings.

Unfortunately, it's not in a manner that Mr Nelson recommends. While scouring town bylaws in a bid to resolve some of the pair's marital deadlocks, Mr McCartney and Ms Mills pounced upon rarely-used town Bylaw 198b):

"Should a couple be unable to resolve their relationship in a conciliatory and equitable fashion, then, in absence of alternative rulings, joint possessions shall be bestowed, without prejudice, upon the individual of greater physical height in accordance with biological law."

Mr Nelson reports that, in the ongoing absence of Judge Gaiman, Ms Mills has already ordered a new extensible wooden leg and an elevator shoe, while Mr McCartney remains 'entrenched' outside Sacks, Tacks and Stretching Racks.

2MB Community Radio - stretching it this time

Rhymes That Keep Their Secrets Will Unfold Behind The Clouds

2007-10-29T10:32:00.000+11:00

Tonight, on Brooke's Books your regular host Brooke Burke discusses David Foster Wallace's Infinite Jest with local diesel mechanic Jake Gylenhaal.

Mr Gylenhaal, who also features as the resident wit on 2MB's beloved game show I'm Sorry, I Don't Know How To Improvise, will put forth his strident opinion that while, technically, the book isn't 'infinite', it is 'awfully long'.

He will also, time permitting, provide suggestions for over one hundred and thirty all-new 'jests' he has written, which readers of the book can add in with Post-It notes at appropriate plot points.

"Let's funny this thing up, huh?" said Mr Gylenhaal.

2MB Community Radio - worried about forced wordplay